Help! We’ve been hit by a plague. Not THE plague – our house may be a tip, but we haven’t got flea-infested rats in it just yet.

It’s a plague of moths – and the little pests are driving us mad.

Not that I’ve actually seen any, but if moths haven’t taken up residence in my eldest daughter’s wardrobe, then she’s clearly sleepwalking and chewing small holes in her clothes at night.

Their presence came to light after she noticed little holes in a top she had only just bought. While I searched for the receipt and prepared to take it back, she discovered another similarly ravaged item, then another. It wasn’t good – she was fast running out of clothes.

My husband calmly concluded that moths must be the culprits – a thought which, however much I love moths, horrified me. Insects in the wardrobe just isn’t nice. Give me lions and witches anyday.

We quickly found out that we’re not alone – thousands of homes across the country are falling victim to common clothes moths whose tiny larvae are wreaking havoc in wardrobes and drawers, and on curtains and carpets.

Suddenly, the puzzle that had been hanging over our bedroom curtains for months was solved. I wrongly blamed our cat for the ragged state of them on one side.

Since we diagnosed the real cause, we’ve been on the attack. Not involving the use of flame throwers and napalm – because I genuinely do like moths and don’t want to actually harm any – but small cedar wood rings which apparently repel the insects.

We’ve also been leaving the wardrobe doors open to let in light, because they hate that too.

I’ve been told that our efforts aren’t going to be enough – that we should be clearing out wardrobes and cupboards, dry cleaning all our clothes and dousing all hiding places with insecticide.

We should also vacuum clothing and curtains – but it is a tedious enough chore having to vacuum the carpets. I’m not prepared to take a nozzle to the curtains as well.

Otherwise, we could put the clothing in the freezer – but I don’t fancy having to rummage among frozen-stiff jumpers, jeans and underwear every time I want some oven chips.

I just want to open the door and watch them fly off. But as we haven’t actually spotted them, and its the larvae that’s the problem...

If the softly-softly approach doesn’t work we may have to resort to extermination by chemical means. Unless, of course, my daughter fancies starting a new fashion trend. Ripped jeans caught on, there’s no reason why holey sweaters shouldn’t, too.