Crying, gurgling and squealing are just three of the goals that define the Government's National Curriculum for babies.

Smiling with pleasure at toys, anticipating meal times, responding to words and being aware that some actions can harm others are also on the check list that will undoubtedly strike terror into the parents whose offspring don't conform.

We all know that children develop at different rates. My sister's baby is a late walker, only just getting to grips with it at 18 months. But he is getting there. And I remember a little boy I grew up with who was nicknamed "yah boy" as that was virtually all he could say before the age of five. As is often the case, he turned out to be fine.

He is still a man of few words, but he runs his own, very successful business and earns about 50 times more than me.

Of course it's true, children do have a lot to learn. But so do adults. Their behaviour often leaves a lot to be desired. If there were a National Curriculum for grown-ups, this is how it would read: 18to 25 years: Learn to function 24/7 with a mobile phone in your hand. Be completely oblivious of others when using said phone, particularly on trains and at peaceful countryside beauty spots.

Learn to communicate with peer group, with frequent use of expressions like 'somefink', ' 'minging' and 'sorted', as well as using well-known expressions from Little Britain and The Office.

Ignore traditional grown-up books like Jeffrey Archer and Danielle Steel in favour of Harry Potter.

25to 30 years: Smile with pleasure when offered a vast array of mortgages, store cards, and other means of credit by a variety of lenders, and grin even more broadly after signing up for many of them. Extend reading to take in all Harry Potter collection.

30to 35 years: Begin to show emotions such as anxiety when faced with mounting debts. Show a sudden interest in biological clocks (women) and sperm counts (men).

36to 40 years: Demonstrate that 'you're only as young as you feel' by continuing to wear tight stone-washed jeans, short skirts and crop tops (women). Start to watch TV shows like Ten Years Younger and You Are What You Eat.

41to 45 years: Enjoy watching quiz shows on TV and shouting out the answers. Make attempts to recapture your youth by, for example, buying a powerful motorbike (men) or starting an affair with an old girlfriend or boyfriend you tracked down on Friends Reunited. Learn to use makebelieve and dressing-up skills when attending school reunions and trying to convince others you are a pilot or astronaut.

46 to 50 years: Start to understand medical terms like hot flushes and HRT (women) and enjoy discussing these with others. Discover the joys of compost, tomato plants and other aspects of gardening.

51to 60 years: Begin to show an interest in activities such as line dancing and aqua-aerobics.

Respond in a loud voice to phrases like 'pension shortfall' and 'work until you're 90'. Learn to speak your mind even if it makes you unpopular.

60+years: Demonstrate an ability to master powerful 4-wheel drives or giant saloon cars that cost £10 a gallon to run, and enjoy moaning about the price of petrol.