Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring...except for a woman with wild, red hair and crazy, rolling eyes.' That woman was up to her neck in sticky tape, strips of wrapping paper and bits of mince pie. And at 4am she still had another 30 presents to sort through I always imagine Christmas Eve to be a lovely, calm, joyous affair, with me and my husband, wrapping gifts while sipping sherry and listening to carols. A civilised festive scene like something from the Waltons. Unfortunately, it ends up being more like a scene from Shameless.

But then, although we all claim to love Christmas, it is hard work. Really hard work.

Every year I go wrong, and rarely learn from my bad experiences. But despite my gross inability to bring on festive harmony, I would like to pass on the following tips for a stress-free holiday:

  • Don't buy next year's gifts in the January sales and if you do, don't wait until Christmas Eve to look for them. Hiding gifts you bought in the January sales for 12 months is a nightmare. Our home is more Wendy House than Harewood House and the children only have to open a wardrobe to find Santa's hoard for the coming Christmas. So you end up stashing them in those they'll never think of looking there' places. The problem is, that when you come to look for them, you never think of looking there either.
  • On Christmas Eve, pretend the TV is broken. It's the only way to get the children in bed at a reasonable hour. Now my daughters are older, we've bowed to pressure and allow them stay up later. On weekends and during holidays, it's even later. On Christmas Eve there's bound to be some schmaltzy Disney double-bill on TV, which starts at 6.30pm and finishes four hours later. Get your mate to dress up as a TV repair man, collect the set then bring it back when they're in bed.
  • Ban all cats from the wrapping room. Anyone who has tried wrapping gifts with a cat in the room will know that it is the best way to shred paper ever invented. And if you've got any ribbon or ties, expect your cat to go into a frenzy, knock over the glass of sherry you've just poured and leave the lower half of the Christmas tree bald.
  • Make sure you've got sufficient supplies of sticky tape because it's a shame to ruin your beautifully-wrapped parcel with acres of Duck tape.
  • Don't drink too much as you wrap or your husband will find himself opening a Barbie jeep, while your daughter stares in disbelief at a bottle of Brut.
  • Remember to polish off the snack left out for you-know-who or questions will be asked - like they were the morning after the night before, when I forgot to do the Tooth Fairy's job for her.

That's just Christmas Eve. After just a couple of hours broken sleep there's Christmas Day to get through. Chances are I'll be woken up with loud requests for batteries for some revolting gadget.

And then the children will stir and want to know why their presents are all over the floor.

A final tip: Remember to use stockings not footless tights.