Tarique Ghaffur, Britain's highest-ranking Asian cop, wants an end to flag-burning, presumably on the grounds that if you burn a country's flag you are, in essence, signalling an intention to be generally unpleasant to that particular country.

It's almost as if the flag-burner is saying: "Oh, if only I had several inter-continental ballistic missiles with nuclear warheads, then I'd bomb you back to the Stone Age. But as all I have is this old box of Swan Vestas matches, I'll content myself with burning your flag."

Burning a flag is a very emotive thing to do, and it's funny how whenever there's a gathering of people with a grudge or a complaint, they immediately whip out a flag and burn it. Where do they get these flags from? Loyalty to my profession means I simply cannot bring myself to believe that photographers and TV cameramen keep a stock of the flags of all nations in their bags in case they come across a huddle of protesters.

"'Ere, mate, you can't just stand around waving placards if you want to get on the front page. Why don't you burn this flag instead?"

Failing that, there must be some kind of business, probably on the internet, that supplies flags to extremist groups of all colours, because even in Bradford's Aladdin's caves (aka pound shops) you'd be hard-pressed to chance upon just the sort of flag you wanted to burn on the day that, say, the Faroe Islands or Lichtenstein issue a grave insult to your particular group.

In the United States, of course, where I believe it's law to actually have a stars and stripes in your toilet, there is a law which can send you to prison for a whole year for desecrating Old Glory. They're quite touchy about their flag there, more so than anyone else. Me, I'm not sure I care about the Union Flag one way or the other.

It was quite fun a few years ago when all the Cool Britannia stuff with Oasis and supermodels and the new Mini made it reasonably trendy to fly the flag, thus wrestling it away from the skinheads and racists who for some bizarre reason thought they were the only ones able to exhibit it with pride, thus putting everyone else right off it.

But aside from wondering just what aspects of British life me flying the flag actually means I'm in favour of (the war in Iraq? Identity cards? Council tax? Egg and chips?), I think the main reason I couldn't give two hoots if anyone burns the flag is that it's a particularly ugly thing. All those straight lines and what have you. Why can't we have something a bit more exciting as the British flag? Why not a picture of Morecambe and Wise doing their Bring Me Sunshine dance, or perhaps a big plate of comedy sausage and mash like out of the Beano? How about a depiction of the Queen in the style of a saucy Bamforth's postcard?

That's a flag I could get behind, and to be honest, I wouldn't be too bothered if people burned that.

The thing about burning flags is, if that's the way people want to protest, then what's the problem? In fact, why not make burning flags compulsory at any demonstration? It makes the protesters feel like they're doing something violent and aggressive, it makes for good TV, and it keeps the cottage industry of flag-makers (baggsy I get to register www.flagsforburning.com) in business. And I'd much rather people burn a flag and feel reasonably satisfied than go out and beat someone up or start a riot or something. It's all a matter of perspective.

Besides, once Geri Halliwell has stretched a Union Flag over her ample pre-yoga charms, as happened at the height of Spice Girls mania, can there be any further indignity for the old Red, White and Blue?