Members of the jury, the accused, David Barnett, stands before you today on a single charge: That of being an old duffer.

Let us consider the evidence.

1. Upon the departure of a colleague to pastures new, the defendant was told that said colleague had acquired a new apartment in Manchester which literally overlooked the stage door of the MEN Arena. No stranger to that particular venue himself in years gone by, Barnett might justifiably have been expected to remark that this was “cool”. Instead, he was heard quite clearly by witnesses to remark: “Ooh, that sounds like it might be a bit noisy.”

2. Just as the onset of puberty is accompanied by the appearance of hair in strange places, so the shift into middle-age also features a no less disturbing new phase of hirsuteness. The members of the jury may wish to consider sproutings in the nasal and ear areas, and also the growth of long, wiry hairs in the eyebrows, giving Barnett the appearance of Bernard Ingham.

3. On an almost daily basis, Barnett is heard to bemoan “young people today” and their lack of knowledge of people, places, events and objects which the accused considers should be mandatory common knowledge for all without recourse to looking it up on Google. Examples include the aforementioned Bernard Ingham, word-perfect quotes from movies such as Escape To Victory and the Carry On series, and knowing what the acronyms TARDIS, KITT and CHiPs stand for.

4. When in the company of journalists of younger age, Barnett will eventually utter the words “In my day...” and launch into long-winded, boring anecdotes of his trade in a time before the internet, e-mail and mobile phones.

5. He meets trouble halfway in the manner which he used to find so annoying in his own father. Asked to perform a household task, such as putting a picture frame on a wall, he will stroke his chin, screw up his face and shake his head sadly because he is not sure whether or not an electrical cable might be running within a foot of where he intends to hammer in a nail.

6. We have a testimony from his wife that Barnett’s sleep patterns are now almost unbearable as he nightly employs a range of annoying sound-effects including odd nasal snorts, heavy breathing, and a volley of burps, whistles and trumps that make it sound as though an entire circus is trying to creep through the bedroom.

7. On the rare occasions where he is in a position to buy a drink in a pub, restaurant or hotel bar, he will always come back, recite the price and say: “You could have bought two bottles of wine for that at the Co-op.”

That, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is the evidence. You may now return your verdict...