Ah, the Olympics. The ultimate clash of titans, the competitive arena where man asserts himself over the rude beasts of the field, marrying his intellect with punishingly-trained blood, bone, muscle and sinew to achieve feats of human endurance, strength and speed that lift him above all else the world has to offer and guarantees his mastery over all he surveys. “I am man,” he roars. “I am Olympian!”

And then there’s the dressage.

Oh, I’m not having a pop at dressage. I can barely imagine the bond that must be created between man and horse, the months of intensive training that must take place, the skill and will-power that must be employed, all to make a horse tap-dance to a CD of K-Tel’s Pan Pipe Moods.

But dressage gives hope to those of us who are unlikely ever to run the 100m in less time than it takes to slowly say “dressage gives hope to those of us who are unlikely ever to run the 100m”.

If a man and a horse acting out slow-motion Busby Berkeley routines with jazz hands (jazz hooves?) can make it to the international stage of athletic prowess, then perhaps there just might be other events incorporated into future Games which could be achievable for the likes of me? For example...

The Vacathon: Competitors will aim to vacuum an upstairs bedroom, a carpeted flight of stairs and a hardwood/laminate ground-floor surface in the quickest time, utilising at least one brush attachment change and picking up a penalty of ten seconds, which they must spend crouched in darkness under the stairs, if they fail to empty their dustbag at the end.

The 7m Wet Washing Dash: At the first sign of rain, athletes will be asked to run the length of an average washing line, collecting all the washing as they go and completing with a neatly-folded pile of garments. Points will be deducted for dropped pegs and undue wetness in the final haul of clothes.

The Cling-Film Roll: Could you pull out half a metre of clingy food wrap, tear it neatly and avoid it all sticking together until it makes one amorphous mass?

The Dog Poo Hurdles: Competitors have to make it to their nearest shop along the pavement without treading in the mess left by some uncaring twonk who is either too lazy or too arrogant to clean up after their dog.

The Office Coffee Round: Can you regularly balance ten cups on a tray, having remembered how your colleagues take their hot beverage? Some people in this place can’t, I can tell you.

The Empty Packet Relay: For this event you must use up the last of the sugar/milk/coffee/cereal/tin foil and, crucially, forget to replace it so that the next person to need the item finds there is none left. Bonus points for putting the empty packaging back in the cupboard. I warn you now, I am guaranteed gold in this event.

See you in Rio in 2016!