Christmas Eve, and all is quiet on the streets save for the sound of a solitary council gritter struggling up Hall Ings. Within the draughty halls of the Telegraph & Argus office, David Barnett, for it is he, labours over the final pieces of consummate journalistic excellence before the Christmas break. A sudden cold wind and Barnett curses those sprouts he stole from the fridge for breakfast... then a clanking of chains and a most heinous groan issues from behind him.

Barnett: Boss? I thought you’d had an early dart..?

Hoving into view is a most gruesome spirit, weighed down by chains and dragging along a variety of laptop computers and PC tablets.

Barnett: Ah, it’s the Spirit of Christmas Columnists.

Spirit: Don’t play silly beggars. You knew it was me all along. I always come at this time of year.

Barnett: Yes, like the flu.

Spirit: I believe you had a touch a couple of weeks ago.

Barnett: I did. I’ve retrospectively upgraded it to swine flu, though, as everybody else seems to have it.

Spirit: Anyway, I can’t be standing here gassing with you all day. I’ve got umpteen more columnists to get round. Shall we?

Barnett: I suppose so. You are here to weigh up my performance as a columnist over the past year, correct?

Spirit: Correct, and succinctly summed up for those people who haven’t read this annual ego-fest before.

Barnett: Ego-fest? How very dare you.

Spirit: Well, you are a columnist. It sort of goes with the territory, banging on about yourself all the time. Anyway, let’s have a look at the Book of Judgement.

Barnett: Is that an iPad? What happened to your big dusty tome?

Spirit: Moving with the times, my good man. Now, let’s see... actually, you’ve done a bit better in 2010 than in the last couple of years.

Barnett: How do you figure?

Spirit: Well, we judge these things on how many people you generally upset. Thanks to that English Defence League rally in summer, you managed to get quite a few people’s backs up with your ranting. Well done. There have been a good few letters of complaint as well... someone wrote in after you did a column on dog poo, and your politics always gets you some good responses. A fair number of “leftie” accusations.

Barnett: One tries one’s best. So I’ve done all right?

Spirit: I wish the same could be said for me. We’re facing cuts, you know. I might not be here this time next year.

Barnett: Oh no! Well, I hope it’s good news.

Spirit: Me too. Now say Merry Christmas, everybody.

Barnett: Merry Christmas, everybody.