Question: What is outrageously over-priced, hideously unattractive, yet is worn by half the population?

Answer: The replica football strip.

These items of clothing have to rank as the most unflattering garments to hit the high street. For a start they never seem to fit. Children appear either rake-thin or too fat, and adults look like shapeless blobs from the neck (V-necks are the worst, giving the wearer a particularly uncouth appearance) to the hips. They never hang properly - a slight paunch and the wearer will look like Jocky Wilson.

Plastered with unsubtle logos, they are made from material which looks and feels like it will repel any liquid bar nitric acid and shrivel into a tight ball of plastic within three seconds should it come into contact with a naked flame.

By and large, the colours are pretty horrible too. What sort of mind came up with Aston Villa's bizarre combination of claret and blue, Crystal Palace's disgusting magenta and blue stripes, and the Leeds United purple and yellow away kit? At least the England shirt is white but, as research carried out in Bradford has revealed, it could leave you with sunburn.

As a fashionable item of clothing, the replica kit takes some beating for sheer repulsiveness, but over the years there have been some close contenders:

The cap-sleeved T-shirt

Usually worn by men and one of the biggest turn-offs of all time. On thin arms they emphasise the lack of muscle, and muscly arms seem over-developed in an Incredible Hulk sort of way.

The crop-top

May look OK on Kate Moss, but anyone over six stone should forget it. The rest of us don't appreciate seeing strips of flabby midriff as we queue up in the supermarket.

The boob tube

Squash and pinch your chest so that even the shapeliest breasts end up looking like fried eggs. On all but the skinniest, it necessitates a Houdini act to put on and take off.

Ski pants/lycra leggings

For some bizarre reason, a favourite of overweight people with big bottoms. Hug every contour and highlight every ripple of cellulite. Ski pants should be used for the purpose intended (on the piste). They are certainly not designed to be worn with three-inch stilettos.

The tank top

Anyone who is partial to these Seventies garments would do well to cast their mind back to Frank Spencer in Some Mother's Do 'Ave 'Em. Usually knitted, it could make the likes of Mike Tyson or Carlos the Jackal look as if they live quietly at home with mum.

Hot pants

Make even the sylph-like look fat. Still worn by Eastern European countries at the Eurovision Song Contest.

No doubt, if I put my mind to it, I could think of many more fashion eyesores. Thankfully, only the replica football kit thrives to confront us on every corner. I can only pray that cricket fans don't start wearing those hideous pyjamas that pass as "whites."

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.