IN ANOTHER flash of brilliance conceived in the bath, I have come up with the ideal solution to deal with British football hooligans causing mayhem when they are abroad.

I'm not sure what is worse, the actual hooliganism itself or the hours of boring hot air we have to endure on TV and radio from the likes of Jack Straw, that tedious Scouser from the Football Supporters' Organisation, and downright offensive

so-called 'experts' like David Mellor,

agonising over what should be done to prevent the next outbreak.

The Football Supporters' Organisation people seem to think that repeating, ad nauseum, the blindingly obvious fact that the majority of football fans behave well is the way to deal with the ones who behave like animals.

David Mellor - who always looks to me like the fat kid at school who has been caught doing something he shouldn't have been - seemed to suggest in an interview I watched that drink was a major

problem.

This, of course, would be the case if no-one else but football hooligans drank to excess when they were abroad.

Mr Mellor should realise that some people can have one or two drinks too many

without feeling the need to break into monosyllabic chanting, they try kill

everyone they meet and smash up the world.

The Home Secretary seems to think that banning football hooligans from going abroad would be part of the solution but he has surely got it the wrong way around.

Why don't we just ban British football hooligans from coming home?

Instead of letting them serve sentences in French jails and return to England to be hailed as heroes by their equally obnoxious friends, why don't British embassy staff abroad just cancel their passports, thereby making them stateless citizens with no right of entry to any country, including their own?

Cut off from their friends, family, social security, employment and any other help, football hooligans would be left wondering around Europe begging on the streets and hiding from the police to avoid being deported to somewhere like Albania or the former Yugoslavia.

It would cure the problem at a stroke.

No football hooligans would dare travel abroad again for fear of not getting back into England and the ones stuck in Europe would be far too busy keeping themselves alive to bother the authorities ever again.

I don't really expect the policy to be

implemented because this country cares far more for its criminals than for the

law-abiding majority.

I read this weekend that burglars, thieves, rapists and drug dealers can expect a windfall of about £5,000 each because they were kept in prison a few more days than they should have been.

The problem arose a couple of years ago when Home Office officials and lawyers realised that the calculation of prisoners' sentences was incorrect and some should have been let out earlier.

As with every other Government Department, a shambles ensued with a mass release of prisoners, including quite a few who should still have been in jail.

Now their lawyers, earning vast fees from the taxpayer, are suing for compensation.

The ones who should have been let out before they actually were released are going to get about £5,000 each.

Perhaps the ones who were let out too early can also claim compensation for the distress caused by the trauma of being on the streets and back in the crime business before they expected to be.

It would not be so annoying if the lawyers were at the same time trying to trace the victims of these criminals with a view to using part or all of the £5,000 windfall to compensate them for their suffering

too.

But that would be a silly thing to expect wouldn't it?

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.