Mike Priestley: Who's Counting?

We don't have to strive to be upbeat and optimistic in the belief that cheerfulness will keep us fit and young. We can be as miserable as we like and it will do us no harm. In fact, it might even do us good.

That's obviously wonderfully encouraging for my curmudgeonly old mate Hector Mildew and all the people who write to him with their grumbles. I rang him to tell him, and do you know what his response was?

You've guessed it. "I do not believe it!" he said.

Well, he'd better believe it, because it was revealed by someone who should know - a American psychologist called Derek Isaacowitz who has been carrying out research into pessimism and the elderly. And he's come up with something of a surprise.

Previously, the feeling was that pessimists are more likely than optimists to suffer from depression, which can weaken the immune system and encourage serious physical illness.

But apparently, according to Dr Isaacowitz, as people grow older it's the optimists who are more likely to suffer from depression and be more at risk from illness.

Why should this be? The answer is simple. Woody Allen was right when he uttered his famous quote that "Life's a bitch, and then you die". Pessimists understand that instinctively. As they grow older they are better equipped than optimists to cope with that horrid reality.

Optimists, on the other hand, set off with high expectations of life which are forever getting knocked back. By the time they've reached a mature age they're becoming undermined by having to deal with disappointment after disappointment. It's harder for them to bounce back when life delivers the hard knocks that often come in old age, such as health problems and bereavement.

Another of Dr Isaacowitz's findings is that old people tend to suffer from less depression than do younger people. That's because they've been tempered by such experiences as the mass unemployment of the 1930s or the deprivations and stresses of wartime and are better able to accept life's ups and downs. Makes sense, doesn't it?

l How do you cope with the noise generated by an open-plan office? I'll bet that Who's Counting? readers find it a little more difficult than their younger colleagues - though that shouldn't be regarded as an excuse for age discrimination in the workplace.

A report this week from Reading University found that the bedlam created by countless telephones ringing, staff talking and shouting, the whirr and buzz of electronic office equipment and the blare of the tannoy in the vast hangars that are so many modern offices can reduce the productivity of employees by up to 60 per cent. It affects concentration, unsurprisingly.

Many younger employees will have known nothing other than that sort of working environment. Older workers, though, will be able to hark back to the days when they worked in small offices with two or three other people, in quiet conditions, and with one telephone which rang with a restrained tinkle instead of the insistent, shrill, demanding clamour of the equipment of the 1990s.

We've gone along with progress, not wanting to appear to be old stick-in-the-muds and believing it to be for the best in terms of getting the job done.

Now we know that isn't the case after all, perhaps its time for seniors to start campaigning for the return of the small, quiet office and the tinkling telephone.

I Don't Believe It!

There's a television programme on Channel 4 next weekend that reader Muriel Crook, of Harden, would be well advised to miss. It's called "Carry on Snogging". You see, snogging on TV is one of Muriel's pet hates.

"I've moved with the times and when the TV lovers begin their wrestling matches, with accompanying grunts and groans, I don't bat an eyelid, Hector," she writes. "Well, hardly. But there's one activity increasingly being foisted on us which makes me squirm.

"The mouth gapes wide. Is he gasping for breath? No, we're about to hear a TV kiss!

"Is this really how it's done these days? Where's the silent passion of the days when I was romanced? Yes, I'm past it now, and thank my lucky stars I'll not be attacked by a suction pump about to devour me. Is this what's meant by liposuction?

"Like two beached whales the pair maul each other with a slurpy, squelching akin to flip-flops in a rainstorm, and I plug my ear (I've only one that works) with a finger to drown out the nauseous sound.

"Even little Sally Webster of Coronation Street is slobbering now, with the enthusiasm of a bubble-gum champion. In fact, there's so much wetness being exuded daily, I fear my television set will short-circuit one of these nights.

"Don't you think today's actors should be made to watch old films, featuring the likes of Clark Gable, Errol Flynn, etc, to discover the power of a silent, passionate kiss? They haven't a clue."

I don't know about today's actors, Muriel. Mrs Mildew makes me watch old films. In fact, she doesn't like me watching any new ones in case they're rude. If we do find ourselves watching one by mistake and, as you put it, "the TV lovers begin their wrestling matches", she throws a cover over the budgie. But not before she's thrown one over me first!

If you have a gripe about anything, drop a line to me, Hector Mildew, c/o Newsroom, T&A, Hall Ings, Bradford BD1 1JR, email me or leave any messages for me with Mike Priestley on (44) 0 1274 729511.

Yours Expectantly,

Hector Mildew

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