Now I've had some odd jobs in my time - screwing tops on watering cans at a garden furniture-makers, scrubbing out enormous mixing vats at a lemon meringue pie factory (hence my weight), and walking ten dogs - at the same time.

None of the above held an overwhelming appeal as a career for life, but I felt that each had its use in the overall scheme of things.

I'd love to be able to say the same about some so-called jobs. Like finding out why a teapot drips when it's poured. It took a learned professor a mere 15 years to work that one out.

Now the (mad?) professor from the University of East Anglia, who produced a 20-page mathematical formula to reach his conclusion, will probably spend another 15 years discovering how to stop the age-old problem.

The revelations come hot on the heels of findings by scientists (yes, plural) at Bristol University who spent years investigating the perfect way to dunk biscuits without their getting soggy. And not so long ago, there was a similar scientific probe into why toast lands butter side up.

If only I could land a job like this I'd be a happy woman. There is no end to the number of life's little mysteries to which I could devote my time and intellect. I'm only 37, and I could make so many vital breakthroughs, if given the chance.

Let's see - if I come up with the projects, there's surely someone out there willing to fund my "research." I'll even throw in a report (one side of A5 max) at the end of each one.

Now for my subjects - I suggest the following, and the time I'll need to take in each case. We can agree payment at a later date.

l Why you can't see the writing on a cash dispenser when the sun is shining directly upon it (3 years).

l Why the phone always rings when I'm in the bath (10 years - much research needed among friends).

l Why double beds wear out in the middle when you both sleep on either side (8 years).

l Why tea from a flask doesn't taste as nice as tea from a teapot (10 years - I'm sure Norwich University will stump up the cash for this one).

l Why my shower runs only boiling hot or freezing cold (One day - solution needed urgently. May need help from a plumber to compile a comprehensive report).

l Why fried eggs stick to my non-stick frying pan (5 years).

l Why my TV set has dodgy reception on Channel 4 (One week - also urgent as I'm missing Brookside. May need help from an aerial engineer as I don't like heights).

That should keep me occupied into my twilight years, as well as being a nice little earner to top up my - by then 100 per cent contributory - pension.

I wait to hear from sponsors.

Eating Christmas dinner on one day every year is bad enough. But every day?

One man, apparently, wolfs down the festive feast 365 days a year - and is now going on a diet after putting on four stone.

That's sensible - but of all the times to start his super slim this has got to be the worst.

Just about everyone in the country will be chomping their way through his beloved turkey and stuffing - is he really going to sit in the corner nursing a Ryvita? I don't think so.

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.