What, exactly, is real life? For some, it's an elusive creature - in particular for the makers of those fly-on-the wall TV documentaries.

It's easy to become addicted to such shows - the Builders from Hell who leave someone's house on the brink of collapse, the horrendous neighbours who spray next door's washing with cow dung, and the traffic wardens who take pleasure in clamping a flashy Merc which has overrun on a parking meter by ten seconds.

We love watching them - after all, it's real life, it's something we're part of. At least we believed it was. We never thought for a moment that real TV companies would fake scenes like cocky reporter Damien on Drop the Dead Donkey. Yet hardly a week goes by without a programme- maker being hauled over the coals for doing just that.

The latest supposed scam involves a Channel 4 documentary about prostitution. Staged scenes were also included in the popular docu-soap Driving School, and in one documentary a so-called "ruthless drugs boss" filmed in a "secret location in Colombia" was a retired bank clerk in the producer's hotel room.

Real life is everywhere - but TV bosses obviously have trouble finding it. Or rather, getting people to appear on national television living it. It makes you wonder how many of those Neighbours from Hell really were, and whether those dodgy builders were Shakespearean actors having a laugh in between jobs.

Understandably, people don't want their unsavoury habits laid bare for the world to see. I wouldn't be too happy if my mother switched on the TV to witness me negotiating a price with a kerb crawler (she'd be appalled if I settled on less than £3).

But, having said that, I could be persuaded to help out for a few bob. I'm game to let a film crew shadow me in what I believe will be a string of extremely successful 'documentaries'...

1. Hairdressers from Hell

I'll be seen having a cut and blow dry by a top stylist - aka Jeff, our window cleaner. I'll kick up a fuss (I'm good at that) and take him to court for root damage.

2. Dentists from Hell

For a fat fee, I'll have a general anaesthetic and have all my teeth removed - then claim the dirty deed was done against my will while I was asleep.

3. Plastic Surgeons from Hell

A couple of jam doughnuts down my bra should swell my upper body nicely. And I could legitimately gripe about my "implants" being a waste of money - a sticky mess, with embarrassing leaks ruining an otherwise pleasant afternoon at Eccleshill baths.

4. Boyfriends from Hell

You've seen When Harry Met Sally? I can fake an orgasm as well as the next person. Get me a willing guinea pig (preferably a Richard Gere lookalike), stick us in a darkened room and we're on our way to a great piece of family entertainment.

5. Bosses from Hell

Fifteen years in the workplace and never been sexually harassed - now that's true and must be worth a story.

6. Mother-in-laws from Hell

No, I'll sit this one out. Maybe the programme-makers have a point after all. Real life is just too horrible to be shown on TV.

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.