Last week I discussed the word "dowdy" - a word with which I am proud to be linked.

This week I would like to talk about another word that has made the news - but with which I never want to be associated.

Bizarrely, this word, which I detest so much, has been used to describe Madonna, she of conical brassiere and raunchy stage act.

Now I may be out of touch with the so-called "remodelled" Madonna who has, apparently, changed after giving birth. But she can't possibly have gone so far as to qualify as "mumsy."

That ever-so-smug "I can keep the kitchen clean and rustle up a steaming hot casserole in five minutes" woman from the Oxo advert is "mumsy." GMTV presenter Lorraine Kelly is "mumsy," so is that irritating cook known as Our Delia.

But Madonna? Just what has she done to deserve that tag? Well, she's ditched the conical bra and shelved the raunchy stage act - and now, as one report put it, "she's just being a mum."

Just being a mum. I spend half the week doing that - yet if anyone called me "mumsy" I'd kick them where it hurts. To be thought of as "mumsy" is, to me, the greatest insult a woman can suffer.

I'd rather be called a slapper, a brazen hussy, or a two-faced cow - at least there's a certain edge to those descriptions, even if they are just that little bit derogatory. Maybe Madonna isn't wise to the exact meaning of the word Mumsy, so I'll enlighten her. A mumsy person:

l Gets more pleasure trying on an apron than a dress.

l Can produce a piping-hot, three-course meal at the drop of a hat when dad and kids trudge dripping wet into the kitchen after a long walk on the moors (Oxo woman).

l Smiles at everyone in a "come and have a cuddle" sort of way (Lorraine Kelly)

l Purees every food product that finds it way into the kitchen and freezes it in little ice cube trays (bet Delia's done this).

l Looks like someone's mum (all the above personalities).

l Starts every sentence with the name of one of her offspring.

l Enjoys Playdays more than Play for Today.

l Completely lacks sex appeal.

Now the last point is an important one. You cannot be both mumsy and sexy at the same time - it's impossible. Some may try it - Coronation Street's Sally Webster had a shot - but they will fail miserably. Sally may be blonde, with a reasonable figure, but she could never be a temptress. For a start she's too adept at rustling up instant meals for three and barely a sentence goes by without mention of "Rosie," "Sophie," or "the girls."

I'm not saying it's wrong to do motherly things. Like all mums I love my children, I play with them, clothe them and open tins for them (I was never much of a cook). I've worn a nursing bra, but never a conical one, and I've never run my hands up my inner thighs in front of thousands of people (two or three, maybe, when my tights fall down)

So, on paper, I probably appear mumsy. But I'm not, I stress, I'm not. I get bored watching Teletubbies, I don't like singing "The Wheels on the Bus," and I hate cut and paste activities.

If anyone called me mumsy, I'd mind - and so should Madonna. But in the unlikely event of her approving, maybe she could give me that conical bra. I could make two lovely hats for the kids. Ooops.

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.