It's that time of year when everyone is taking it easy and trying to get over the excesses of the festive period. As well as coping with debt and planning imaginary holidays in the sun, there will be resolutions flying about left, right and centre as people try to get themselves in decent condition for the new Millennium.

After the frenzied spending and threat of economic disaster I am going to be very careful about what I buy. Try telling Toddler that though!

After the excesses of the festivities we are all being told to cut down, and here you can tell how the media manipulates us. Now that we have had materialism up to our eyeballs we are being asked to sort ourselves out physically.

All the advertorials are focusing on losing weight and keeping ourselves healthy on the inside. And everyone is trying to get in on the act.

We are used to models and actresses bringing out fitness videos. And by 'fitness' that usually means 14-year-old lads gawping at Cindy Crawford in a shiny leotard and drooling: "Phwaaor, she's fit!!!"

Rosemary Conley may be the queen of dieting and have fantastic advice, but the sight of her in footless tights and a thong is enough to make you turn to drink.

And it's not just the usual people who are churning them out. We are now being treated to the bizarre sight of minor telly celebs who are all muscling in, and I mean muscling.

When I first heard that likeable GMTV presenter Lorraine Kelly had made a fitness video, I thought I'd misheard. It must be a fatness vid, thought I, as all she ever goes on about is eating chocolate.

What a shock to discover that she was also trying to entice us into dieting and exercising and was there in all her chocolate-loving glory in a glossy leotard. What a travesty I thought. Will they do anything for money? And memories of that nice Carol Vorderman dressed as Cher sprang to mind.

But back to wee Scottish lassie Lorraine. Who will believe that she takes dieting seriously? Even more distressing is the title of the video about getting back into shape after having a baby. She had it six years ago!

They are all tedious videos and painful to watch. After the first two viewings you lose interest in them altogether and end up wanting to record over them with the Teletubbies or something - which seems more fitting somehow.

If you can't bear the thought of exercise, there is an alternative - drinking bacteria. I have seen a number of adverts which show otherwise normal-looking people who are guzzling little bottles of yoghurt.

Why anyone would find drinking bacteria to be healthy is beyond me. Perhaps this is the reason our hospitals are full. But if eating bacteria is good for you then it must mean that children are very healthy as they have a habit of eating mouldy stuff from the floor/behind the telly/under the sofa.

Currently the only weight problem I have is trying to get Toddler to put some on. Though I suppose I should be grateful. Thanks to his antics (eg: running around, not sleeping, swinging from the chandeliers, etc). I am also getting a bit of exercise and don't have to invest in a fitness video.

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.