It's Valentine's Day on Monday. So instead of ignoring it and mulling over how much I'll make from the house when we divorce, I've decided to surprise my husband and embrace the occasion (and him) with open arms.

"Put him to the test," I thought. "And if he responds, then maybe our marriage is worth saving. If not, I'll keep my appointment with the solicitor."

But, having spent numerous Valentines as the human equivalent of the north-south divide, I wasn't sure exactly how to work some romance into the relationship. There was only one thing to do - consult women's magazines.

As expected, there was advice a-plenty, from how to entice your beloved with the right perfume, to how to make him quake at the knees with the right sort of underwear, to what to rustle up for dinner if you want him to propose.

I picked out a few tips at random, which I am going to do my best to follow - but it's not going to be easy.

ADVICE: Make an effort to look your knock-out best. Put on make-up and dress to please your man.

REALITY: If there's one thing I don't believe in, it's dressing to please fellas. If a bloke doesn't like a woman as she is, whether she's slobbing around in a size 20 track suit bottoms and a size 22 cardi, or prancing about in a size eight micro-skirt and 36D shrug, then they're not worth bothering with.

Or maybe I'm just saying this because the only thing I can squeeze into that a man might describe as "sexy" is a car - and a roomy one at that. (I wonder, does this still apply if your man rolls home after work stinking of ale and looking like a cross between Sir Les Patterson and Rab C Nesbitt?)

ADVICE: Transform your front room with a few simple steps to create the right ambience. Drape red cloth over tables and chairs, create a floating candle feature and make the table for two look inviting with beads, candles and flowers.

REALITY: Some have it, and others don't. My friend Sam is a female Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. She could create a magnificent Bedouin tent and stunning chandelier from a couple of washing-up bottles and a bit of sticky-back plastic. Sadly, I've never been particularly adept at transforming anything to look fetching. I only have to put a napkin on a plate and it looks cack-handed.

ADVICE: Cook him his favourite meal.

REALITY: My husband adores a disgusting Chinese concoction which I couldn't bring myself to cook even if I had all the revolting ingredients to hand. I suppose I could give him the cash for a take-away.

ADVICE: Make sure the kids are bathed and in bed when your beloved comes home.

REALITY: If I can persuade my husband to leave work at 9.30pm we might have a fighting chance.

ADVICE: Put on some soft music, something to smooch to, to get you in the mood. Try a romantic compilation.

REALITY: We're a bit starved in the music department. We haven't got a CD player and make do with an old cassette radio which, apart from The Archers, is used almost exclusively by the kids. I could borrow one of their tapes, but somehow I can't see "Nellie the Elephant" or "Three Little Men in a Flying Saucer" setting the right tone. Then again, I might be on to a winner with my daughter's "I'm a Barbie girl."

To be honest, if this is what you have to do to rekindle the flames, I might as well nip down the local singles bar and start forging a new life for myself. Only, if I remember rightly (I can, just), you have to do this sort of thing to get a bloke in the first place.

Oh, well, where's that take-away menu and red light bulb?

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.