Depending on your point of view, the old Odeon cinema in the centre of Bradford is either a fading reminder of Bradford's grand past which should be preserved and restored, or a dilapidated, tumble-down eyesore which should be replaced by something new and usable.

The argument might seem to be moot at the moment, as the owners of the building, Yorkshire Forward, last week unveiled three potential designs for what could stand on the site.

The schemes on the table are, in no particular order, the Bradford Pivot, an angular steel and glass block mixing retail, leisure and accommodation; New Victoria Place, which has an enormous television screen on the facade (the computer designs showed it playing a Charlie Chaplin movie, so that's something to look forward to); and Casa Mela, a rather pleasing jumble of multicoloured buildings behind the retained Odeon towers.

I'm sure everyone who cares will have an opinion on all three and will already have chosen a favourite, or at least one that least offends their sensibilities if they are of the mind that the Odeon shouldn't be demolished.

Personally, I would like to see some more designs on the table before the final decision is made, and in the hope of securing a nice, fat consultancy fee from Yorkshire Forward, I now put forward my own hastil well thought-out ideas for the Odeon site: ASBO Safari: Working with the trees and shrubs which are already growing out of random parts of the exterior of the building, the roof is taken off the Odeon and a huge swathe of greenery planted all over the interior of the building. A series of Indiana Jones-style walkways would criss-cross the top of the structure and anyone who's ever written to the T&A complaining about the state of young people today or the sentences handed down to anti-social thugs would be invited to pay a modest fee and be equipped with paintball guns. Every Friday afternoon, recipients of new Anti-Social Behaviour Orders would be tied together in pairs and released at the front door of the building, having to make it to the back doors while trying to avoid the paintballs and howls of outrage from the right-thinking members of society above.

Birthday Pit: To save those people who constantly write birthday greetings in chalk on the boardedup windows of the Odeon the bother of having to get their message across in this way, a huge pit would be dug in the middle of the building and anyone who has a birthday which they would like random, passing strangers to know about would be ceremoniously thrown into it, with the event filmed and broadcast on a huge screen to anyone who cares.

Riot Barn: Interactive theme park for anyone who thinks the only thing worth mentioning about Bradford is the riot that took place in 2001. Every day actors, drunkards and hooligans would reenact general riot conditions inside the big, hollowed-out building, and national newspaper journalists, independent documentary film-makers and internet commentators would all be invited to attend. They would be thrown into the middle of the ruck and be given a beating within an inch of their lives, then they could go into a special annexe containing computers and television production equipment, where they would be able to write articles and create TV programmes about their experiences, which would then be ceremoniously burned in one of two 40ft tall Dusty Bins mounted where the Odeon towers used to be.

I am now opening a public consultation on these designs, and if you'd like to have your say please jot your comments down on the back of an old Woodbine packet. Meanwhile, I await the cheque from Yorkshire Forward with anticipation.