A cold wind rattles the ill-fitting windows of the T&A offices, where a single, lonely light shines upon the rather cluttered workstation of David Barnett.

He blows into his hands, bound in ratty fingerless gloves, to warm them, then continues to type. It is Boxing Day and Barnett is wrapping up his final column for 2008, just as the wind shakes the windows and howls down the office, accompanied by a moan and the rattling of chains.

BARNETT: I was wondering when you would make an appearance. You do know you’re late, don’t you? The wind settles and out of the darkness materialises the ragged form of none other than The Ghost of Christmas Columnists, a large, leather-bound ledger dangling from his wrist by a length of chain. The spirit sighs and slumps heavily (or as heavily as an incorporeal being can) on the chair at the next desk.

GHOST: Don’t you start. I’ve run a bit behind this year. Did you know there used to be three of us doing this job? They made us all redundant and we had to re-apply for one post. It was a bloodbath.

BARNETT: And they gave the job to you?

GHOST: What do you mean by that? I’m very good at my job!

BARNETT: Don’t you think you’d better get on with it, then? Shall we remind the readers that you visit me every year to tot up just how well I’ve performed as a columnist?

GHOST: If you think it’s strictly necessary.

BARNETT: OK. You visit me every year to—

GHOST: We get the point. Let’s have a look in the book shall we… Hmm…

BARNETT: What do you mean, Hmm?

GHOST: Well, to be honest, it hasn’t really been what you’d call a classic year.

BARNETT: Get out of it! I’ve done some great stuff in 2008. There was that one about fixing the boiler, and the one about the Large Hadron Collider. Maggie Thatcher. Doctor Who.

GHOST: Like I said: Hmm. It’s all a bit ordinary, isn’t it? Have you lost your spark?

BARNETT: “I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth”. Hamlet.

GHOST: No thanks, I ate before I came out. But seriously, what’s the matter? Is it the move to this new Fast Forward thing?

BARNETT: I don’t think so. It’s true some people don’t know that I’m here. But I can’t honestly say I’d noticed a dip in quality.

GHOST: Well, perhaps just something to keep an eye on for next year. But more pizzazz. Bit more stardust. Try to have a laugh more, you used to be good at that. You’ve changed.

BARNETT: OK, I’ll get my mojo back next year. You done?

GHOST: Yep, time for the big fade-out. Say a belated Merry Christmas to everybody.

BARNETT: A belated Merry Christmas to everybody. See you next year.