SUMMER is finally in full swing and for many of us, that means holidays, relaxation, and quality time with loved ones.

It can also bring to light some underlying patterns in our relationships, both personal and professional. One such pattern is something known as ‘people-pleasing’.

People-pleasing is the act of prioritising others’ needs and desires over one’s own. It’s about constantly seeking approval and validation, often at the expense of personal boundaries and well-being. While it might seem like a harmless trait, it can lead to significant stress, burnout, and resentment in the long run.

So why do we do it? The roots of people-pleasing often lie in our childhood. We learn from a young age to seek approval from our caregivers. This can lead to a deep-seated belief that our worth is determined by how others perceive us. In some cases, people-pleasing can be a coping mechanism for low self-esteem or fear of rejection.

At work, people-pleasing can manifest as taking on excessive workloads, avoiding conflict, and constantly seeking praise. You might find yourself saying “yes” to every request, even when you’re already overwhelmed. This can lead to burnout, decreased job satisfaction, and a blurred work-life balance. It’s important to remember that being a team player is different from being a doormat.

In our personal lives, people-pleasing can show up in various ways. Perhaps you find yourself constantly putting others’ needs before your own, sacrificing your hobbies or interests to accommodate your family or friends. You might avoid expressing your feelings to keep the peace or fear of causing conflict. This can lead to resentment, feeling undervalued, and strained relationships.

It’s crucial to recognise that people-pleasing is not a sign of weakness but rather a learned behaviour, which means it can be unlearned. The first step is to acknowledge the pattern and its impact on your life. Ask yourself if you consistently prioritise others’ needs over your own. Do you find yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? Are you constantly seeking validation from others? Answering these questions honestly can be the first step towards change.

Here’s a couple of typical examples:

* People-Pleasing at Work: Imagine an employee who’s always first to volunteer for extra tasks and last to leave the office. They may believe that by taking on additional responsibilities, they’ll be viewed as indispensable and gain favour with their superiors. However, this behaviour leads to long hours, increased stress, and little time for personal activities. Eventually, their performance suffers due to burnout, and relationships with colleagues become strained as they harbour unspoken resentment.

* People-Pleasing at Home: At home, consider the parent who constantly puts their family’s needs above their own. They may spend every weekend chauffeuring children to activities, attending social events they have no interest in, and catering to their partner’s every request. The lack of personal time and self-care can lead to feelings of frustration, and perhaps even losing a sense of identity outside of family roles.

As we enjoy the summer holiday season, it’s essential to strike a balance between caring for others and looking after ourselves. Here are some strategies to help people-pleasers find that balance:

* Set Boundaries: Learn to say no when necessary. Setting boundaries is crucial in preventing burnout and ensuring that your needs are also met.

* Practice Self-Care: Make time for activities that rejuvenate you, whether it’s reading a book, going for a walk, or simply enjoying some quiet time.

* Seek Support: Talk to a trusted friend about your people-pleasing tendencies. They may provide valuable insights and help you develop healthier behaviours.

* Reflect on Your Motives: Consider why you feel compelled to please others. Are you seeking validation or avoiding conflict? Understanding your motives can help you address the root causes of your behaviour.

* Prioritise Your Well-Being: Taking care of yourself is not selfish. By prioritising your well-being, you’ll be better equipped to support and care for others in a healthy, sustainable way.

People-pleasing is common behaviour that many of us fall into, especially during busy times like the summer holidays. While it’s natural to want to be helpful and considerate, it’s crucial to recognise when these tendencies become harmful. By understanding the reasons behind people-pleasing and implementing strategies to balance our needs with those of others, we can develop healthier relationships and improve our overall well-being.

Remember, you deserve to be cared for just as much as those around you.

Please note: If you feel you are in a mental health crisis or emergency and may be in danger of causing harm to yourself or others then please contact your GP, go to A&E, call the Samaritans on 116 123 or text SHOUT to 85258

* Martin Furber is a therapist qualified in various modalities and an Instructor Member of Mental Health First Aid England wellbeing@martinfurber.com