DO you take tea bags on holiday? Do you arrive at the airport four hours early, “just to be on the safe side”? And when you reach your overseas resort, is your grasp of the language limited to “Please” and “Thank you”?

Ticking the box for all of the above means that you’re a Very British Holidaymaker.

Early airport arrivals, tea bags in the suitcase and limited vocabulary have topped a poll of typically British holiday traits, with others including checking the weather forecast (45 per cent of us do this, apparently) and texting a family member to let them know you’ve “landed safely” (48 per cent).

According to the survey, by Lyca Mobile, the things Brits miss the most about home when away are: their own pillow, tea bags (see above), TV shows, bacon and cheddar cheese.

Other signs that you’re a Brit Abroad include: Packing two weeks before your trip; Having a special wallet for your holiday documents; Indulging in a full English at the airport; Checking if everyone has been to the loo before boarding the plane; Saying “Feel that heat” as soon as you step off the plane; Organising a holiday WhatsApp group; Battling to find the best spot at the luggage belt; Posting poolside selfies or photos of your feet in flip-flops captioned #nevercominghome.

I identify with pretty much all of this (minus the bacon and the naff poolside selfies). There’s no point trying to pass myself off as a nonchalant local, or seasoned traveller, in another country because I know full well that I just look like any other British holidaymaker. It doesn’t help that my skin is so pale I have no chance of acquiring any kind of tan, even a mildly beige one. I either hover in the shade or endure the sun, slathered in Factor 50, gradually turning that brutal shade of pink that makes people wince.

I have occasionally been mistaken as Swedish while on holiday, but usually it’s a given that I’m a Brit. In shops, bars and restaurants I’m generally spoken to in English and handed English-language menus.

Four in 10 Brits prefer to think of themselves as a traveller, rather than a tourist, according to the survey, but isn’t that just wishful thinking? And is it so bad to be a Brit Abroad? As long as you’re not knocking back a yard of ale at 8am in the Queen Vic pub on the Costa, demanding chips with everything or elbowing small children out of the way to get your towel on the sun lounger, surely being a holidaymaker or tourist is nothing to be ashamed of.

I’m happy with being a tourist. I like being shown where to go and what to see while exploring towns/cities/cultural hot-spots. I love an open-top bus tour! I’m respectful of cultures and customs, I like to try local the food (within reason: I once ate octopus in Greece then when I saw a batch of them, freshly caught and pegged on a line, drying in the sun, looking really sad, I vowed never to do so again) and I make an effort with the language - ie, just about getting to grips with “Hello”, “Please” and “Thank you” and, for everything else, speaking English slightly more slowly than usual.

I can speak a bit of French, but not enough for an actual conversation. It’s a big regret, not speaking another language. My mum spoke fluent French, I used to love listening to her chatting to locals on our camping holidays in France. I’d like to learn Spanish, but I never get round to signing up for classes.

One day I will walk into a tapas bar in Seville and order in Spanish, before they get chance to hand me the English-language menu. But not before I’ve arrived at the airport four hours early, battled at the luggage belt, unpacked the tea bags and travel kettle, and texted home to say I’ve landed. #nevercominghome