I OFTEN talk about phrases which get bandied around, that are not particularly helpful. Here’s one I do like: ‘A good listener is never without friends.’

Whether it’s a friend struggling with work stress or a colleague facing a difficult personal situation, being a good listener can make a world of difference. It shows you care, provides comfort, and opens the door to genuine support. But good listening goes beyond just keeping quiet while someone talks. Here’s where “active listening” comes in - a skill that can transform conversations and strengthen your relationships.

Mastering the art of ‘active listening’ can really make a difference for someone going through a difficult time. I thought I would use this week’s column to explain things a little more.

What is Active Listening?

Imagine listening to a favourite song for the first time - you’re fully engaged, picking up on every note and nuance. That’s the spirit of active listening. It’s about truly paying attention, not just waiting for your turn to speak. It’s about understanding the full picture, not just the words being said. It’s about fully engaging with the speaker, both verbally and non-verbally. It’s about creating a safe space where they feel heard, understood, and validated.

* Give Your Full Attention: Put away your phone, silence distractions, and make eye contact (not in an overwhelming way). Show them you’re fully present and invested in their conversation.

* Keep a Comfortable Distance: Sitting side by side, rather than face-to-face with someone can be really helpful, and appear far less threatening. When someone is stressed or anxious, they are already in a state of heightened alert, so sitting side by side may be far more comfortable for them. If you’ve ever needed to have a conversation with a partner, for example, you may well have found it easier to broach the subject when you are sat in the car, side by side.

* Focus on Understanding: Don’t jump to conclusions or formulate advice before they’ve finished speaking. Try your best to see things from their perspective.

* Use Encouraging Nonverbal Cues: Nod your head, offer a warm smile, and maintain open body language. Let them know you’re engaged and interested.

* Ask Open-Ended Questions: Go beyond “yes” or “no” questions. Ask prompts like “Can you tell me more about that?” or “How did that make you feel?” to encourage them to elaborate.

* Reflect Back: Summarise what you’ve heard to show you’re paying attention and understanding. Phrases like “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated” or “That must have been a difficult situation” can be helpful.

* Avoid Interrupting: Let them finish their thoughts before you interject. Your patience will demonstrate your genuine interest.

* Hold Space for Silence: Sometimes, silence speaks volumes. Don’t feel pressured to fill every gap in the conversation. This can be easier said than done! However, silence can be really helpful, it allows someone the time they need to process their thoughts.

* Validate Their Feelings: Don’t minimise their experiences. Phrases like “It’s okay to feel that way” or “That sounds really tough” can show empathy.

* Offer Support, Not Solutions: No matter how much you may be tempted to try to fix things for other people, you can’t solve everyone else’s problems. However, you can offer practical support like “Is there anything I can do to help?”.

By using the tips above, actively listening to your loved ones and colleagues, you create a safe space for them to open up to you. When people feel heard and understood, they feel valued and connected. This can be a real lifeline to someone who is struggling with their thoughts and feelings.

Remember that active listening is a skill that improves with practice. By honing your active listening skills, you can be a powerful source of support for the people who matter most to you. Remember, sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is simply lend a listening ear.

I’m going to get topical about the holiday season over the coming weeks. So, if the thought of flying away somewhere hot, fills you with anxiety rather than a sense of excitement, keep an eye on my column. If you run any type of support group in and around Bradford, to help people with their sense of community and well-being then I would love to hear from you, please feel free to drop me a line.

Please note: If you feel you are in a mental health crisis or emergency and may be in danger of causing harm to yourself or others then please contact your GP, go to A&E, call the Samaritans on 116 123 or text SHOUT to 85258

* Martin Furber is a therapist qualified in various modalities and an Instructor Member of Mental Health First Aid England wellbeing@martinfurber.com