Q Dear Kate, my wife's parents have become quite frail; her Dad has been diagnosed with dementia and her Mum is his main carer. We are moving them from their home town to be near to us, so we can help take better care of them both. I'm just worried that my wife is taking on too much - she seems to have some kind of idealistic view of how we'll manage. I'm dreading it but haven't told her. Do you think I should come clean?

A While your feelings are important I strongly suggest you try to keep them on hold if you possibly can. Your wife really has enough to worry about at the moment. Her parents aren't even here yet, and I would imagine she's staying so positive, and idealistic' as you describe her, in order to cope with the enormity of the whole situation. You don't need me to tell you she is going to need your support over the coming months, and then years. There is nothing to be gained from expecting the worst. Your in-laws appear to have managed very well and you may be doing them a terrible disservice by assuming they are going to want anything other than what you already give them. Why not wait and see what happens? Obviously it would take anyone some time to settle into a strange town. There are other things to consider too, like the rate of onset of your father-in-law's illness, and the level of support available from agencies like social services or charities in your area. The first few months will be an adjustment period for all concerned, so just be patient and see what happens. Look up Carers resources for your area in Yellow Pages - they'll be able to offer advice and support.

Q Dear Kate, I think my wife's drinking is getting out of control. The idea of getting through the Christmas party season fills me with dread. There are at least four functions we are invited to, and I know from experience they'll all end early for me because she's got so drunk she's collapsed and won't remember a thing the next day. She becomes argumentative, then tearful, and usually upsets at least one of our friends. I seem to spend my whole time apologising for her. I wish she wouldn't get in such a state - I'm worried about her.

A I guess we've all overdone it at least once. It happens! However, when it happens all the time it's certainly a sign that something is wrong. Once your drinking behaviour starts impacting on your friends and family then it's time to take a long, hard look at what you are doing, and why. I really feel for you; this time of year is supposed to be a time to get together with people we love, and you're in a position where you want to do anything but that, because of something you feel you cannot control. Have you tried telling your wife how much she is worrying you? Is she aware of how risky her behaviour is and how many people she is upsetting? If she can't remember then perhaps you, and your friends, should resolve to let her know. You sound like you have a wide social circle - why not enlist the help of a few close friends to tackle this subject with your wife? I think you also need to be prepared for her to deny this is a problem. If she does, then you could tell her you will continue to believe it is a problem, and not accept her behaviour. You may have to get tough, and stop picking her up each time she falls - metaphorically speaking. By continuing to be there you could be enabling the situation to continue. You also need to bear in mind the health risks your wife is exposing herself too. She really needs someone who cares about her to help her see what she is doing - not just to herself, but to those around her. Your local Alcohol & Drug Agency will be able to help. Ask your GP for a referral if your wife is willing.