I don't ask for much in life, but people seem to be keen to offer stuff to me anyway.

Specifically, they seem keen to offer me stuff via e-mail, and every morning my inbox is quite literally stuffed to bursting with unsolicited approaches for all manner of goods and services.

Today alone I had 88 e-mails received overnight, of which only two were of any interest whatsoever.

So, should by some tiny chance any of the people responsible for sending these e-mails to me be reading this, I'd like to set my stall out here and now as to what I do and don't want to see.

Firstly, to all those people purporting to be from the NatWest, HSBC, and Royal Bank of Scotland banks, I'd like to remind you that I don't actually have accounts with you, so repeatedly sending me messages asking me to log in to websites and fill in all my personal details are somewhat wasted. While we're on that topic, why do your return e-mail addresses never say "HSBC" or "NatWest" in them, but rather have a string of letters and numbers or "Bob'sbigconjobs"?

Next up, I'm married with two children, which rather precludes me from meeting "hot young singles" in my area. However, as most of these hot young singles are called Chiquita or Consuela, I would, out of interest, like to know which part of Bradford is home to this fascinating community of Brazilians.

Thirdly, I'd like to thank all those companies that keep promising me £250 vouchers for their services, though the amount of personal detail required seems a little disconcerting, so I'll probably pass.

Next, though it's true that on most days I appear so laid back as to be horizontal, this is not achieved through rabid consumption of Prozac or other calming drugs, so it's probably a safe bet that I won't be requiring such drugs in the quantities you're offering, no matter how good the exchange rate of the pound against the dollar at the moment.

The next one is a little tricky to discuss, and far be it from me to suggest that I'm not in need of "girth" or, indeed, "length", but the approaches in this quarter are getting quite out of control.

They started off as simple, informative messages telling me of the various methods I could follow to achieve results in the above categories.

Then there was some cajoling by way of telling me that there were some hot chicks, possibly the same ones who were looking for dates, who would be wowed by my new dimensions.

Now, though, they've resorted to just insulting me, as an e-mail I have received while writing this very column attests.

"Holy ****, how can you even **** out of that thing?" it demands, helpfully providing me with a link to a website where I can rectify this state of affairs immediately.

It's all becoming rather tiring, and if I could afford it I'd probably buy one of those big spam blocker programmes to filter it all out. That said, I've just had another e-mail from a nice chap in Nigeria who wants to get several million pounds out of the country and needs my help, for a healthy share of the cash. Now that seems a decent proposition, and all he wants are my bank account details...