Why we need to say goodbye when a loved one dies

David is currently supporting the Government directly with its approach to and guidance on funerals.

He writes: “Coping with bereavement and the loss of a loved one is incredibly difficult at any time. Since the UK went into lockdown on March 23, the impact of coronavirus has made it even harder for families to deal with bereavement.

The way funerals are arranged and conducted needed to change immediately. Any existing funerals that had already been arranged were scaled back significantly to meet Government advice and guidelines to prevent the further spread of the virus.

Funeral industry employees are key workers and the restrictions introduced had a huge impact on us. In this profession, you are hardwired to want to offer bereaved families with choices and options to ensure that every funeral can be unique in some way. Coronavirus restricted us from doing that. We had to withdraw limousines and limit the number of people entering the funeral home at any one time, with funerals arranged over the phone, online or by video call. At the same time, the closure of churches was announced and the Government restricted funeral attendees in England to just members of the same household, close family, and in the absence of family, close friends.

We at Co-op Funeralcare advocated that a maximum of 10 mourners could attend a funeral during this time. Sadly, Bradford Council was one of a handful of local authorities in Yorkshire that stopped people from attending services at its Scholemoor, Oakworth and Nab Wood crematoria. These restrictions meant that, for several weeks, families were denied the chance to attend an indoor service, regardless of safe working practices and government guidelines. Tragically, families who couldn’t be at the bedside of their loved one when they were dying were then being denied the right to an attended service.

We don’t yet know what the long-term psychological effects will be for families unable to be with loved ones as they die. But I do believe that this trauma is likely to be compounded if they have also been denied the right to even a limited funeral service.

Attending a funeral is an intrinsic part of the grieving process and this move made by the Council was at odds with the Government’s guidance. We wrote to the Council and campaigned for it to reverse this decision. Thankfully for families in Bradford, this decision has now been changed. At the time of writing Bradford Council is now allowing up to 10 people to attend indoor services, with a further 10 allowed outside. This measure is understandable in smaller chapels like Oakworth, but we see no reason why numbers can’t be safely increased at Nab Wood and Scholemoor, providing that social distancing rules are followed. For many faiths where burial is a fundamental part of the funeral more people could be present outdoors, if social distancing guidelines are followed.

We are campaigning at Government level for attendance numbers to be changed so they’re adapted to allow safe social distancing within the individual capacity of the venue. We also believe that whoever has arranged the funeral should be given the opportunity to invite anyone, providing it’s up to the safe maximum number for the venue.

In June the Church of England and Catholic Church re-opened its buildings for private prayer and funerals. But only church buildings have re-opened to mourners, (about a fifth of all the funerals we conduct involve a church service). We estimate more than 35,000 families nationwide may have been unable to hold funerals in church as they would have wished during lockdown. Sadly, this figure will be significantly higher when taking into account other religious settings.

Bradford is a culturally rich, diverse city, and many religions are impacted by the current restrictions in place. One thing abundantly clear is that this virus does not discriminate.

We cannot underestimate the effect this has had on the bereaved in Bradford.

I am involved in a weekly cabinet office meeting with the Civil Contingencies Secretariat and other funeral industry representatives, to discuss issues relating to how we should remember our deceased during these difficult times. Looking to the future, webcasting services will become the norm, allowing more people to be involved. We work closely with crematoria and third-party providers to make sure that families have advice and access to live streaming facilities wherever possible.

We are also encouraging families and friends to consider memorial events once lockdown eases and hope the latest guidance from Public Health England (PHE) will recognise the need for collective safe mourning.

I hope memorial events will allow the bereaved time to plan the most fitting way to commemorate the lives of those they miss so terribly.

The past three months has been a time of great loss. Families have been incredibly understanding and continue to embrace parts of the funeral they can control, to say their best possible goodbyes. My colleagues have been going above and beyond in difficult circumstances to support bereaved families.

Resilience, kindness and bravery come to the fore when others are in need - and these qualities are needed now more than ever.”