MAKE-UP? My husband? I sincerely hope not.
One thing I do not want to see in his corner of the bathroom - segregation is vital in this area - eye liners, lipsticks and tubes of foundation.
He takes long enough to get ready using only shower gel and shaving foam. Every time we go out I grow hoarse from yelling “COME ON!” like a parent with a dawdling toddler.
Cosmetics would add at least two hours to his routine. And being both an artist by profession and a perfectionist, he would be looking to create a work worthy of the National Portrait Gallery.
No, no, no, it can’t happen. Yet men’s beauty counters could be the next big thing, after John Lewis became the first high street store to launch a make-up counter dedicated solely to male make-up.
The department store is stocking a selection of foundation, concealers, bronzer and brushes in the menswear section of its Oxford Street flagship as part of a four-week pop-up. Sales in the first few days have been described as ‘amazing.’
I must admit, were this to gravitate to northern parts, I don’t think he would be enticed, no matter how many polished-looking blokes wearing tinted moisturiser grace the advertising panels at the bus stop.
In fact, the day I see him at a men’s beauty counter I will parade naked through Broadway shopping centre.
I realise that it is dangerous to make such pledges - look at what happened back in 2016 when Gary Lineker promised to present Match of the Day in his boxers if Leicester City won the premiership.
But in this case I think it’s a safe bet. He’s averse to discussing body-related matters, be it skin, nails or hair, with me, let alone with strangers.
Last week he freaked out at the idea of simply asking an assistant where the shaving foam was located in the new, gigantic branch of Home Bargains at our local shopping centre. And he asked me to seek out and buy him some nail clippers from Boots.
He would never perch on one of those unstable-looking stools at a make-up counter and succumb to a barrage of questions about skin tone, under-eye circles and sun damage.
That’s not to say he would never feel the need to use make-up. Men probably spend as much time as women do worrying about ageing skin.
Many men already cleanse, tone and moisturise, wear fragrance and are not averse to the odd Dead Sea mud facial wrap.
As he grows older my husband may, as I am currently doing, consider applying concealer and foundation to cover a multitude of facial changes we would rather not see in the mirror. And he need not visit a beauty counter at all - it’s available online.
Of course, if he went in that direction it would be good to have a bit of expert guidance. In some areas this is advisable for both men and women: if applied incorrectly, lipstick and eye colour does people no favours. Even after years of practice some people still end up looking like Joker.
With their beautifully turned-out assistants, beauty counters can be intimidating places, especially when you approach them with a world-weary face, tangled hair and wearing an old fleece covered in cat hair.
Men may have the same insecurities, but in years to come male beauty counters might catch on and become the norm on the high street.
You never know, in a decade I could be sneakily borrowing from my husband’s corner of the bathroom.
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