Q My sister is a widow in her seventies. I've found that she has been concealing her activities from her son, to the extent she will only take holidays when her son is away. I think she is concerned he will worry about her spending, particularly what she will leave him once she is gone. The worst of it for me is that I recognise in myself the tendency to conceal, or withdraw from relationships, rather than face confrontations. It feels as if women become more of a target of criticism as they get older and are less able to assert themselves.
A Thanks for your letter, which raises several points you seem to be concerned about. Firstly you are concerned about your sister's relationship with her son, and the power he appears to hold over her. Is there any way you can help your sister to be more honest with him - and does she want to be? You think she should be, but it may not be what she wants to do. If this is the case why don't you talk to her about the reasons for this? I agree that it is unfair she is making plans around her son and I wonder if he is even aware of it; he may be as shocked as you. It's important to try and understand both sides of this if you are to help your sister work it out. It's possible his concern about money is based on worries for his mother's future rather than his own greed. You will only find this out by talking to him. Speak to your sister first though, as you may make the situation worse. Secondly, you should recognise that your reaction to her situation has touched on feelings you have about yourself. Are you a person who likes to please others? It sounds possible that you and your sister have learned to be invisible as a way to protect yourselves from confrontation. This could be based on past experiences, and recognising this may help you to become more assertive. You sound like a very supportive sister, and you both could use each other's support when there are difficult conversations to be had with others. Lean on each other and draw strength from each other - life is too short to waste being unhappy.
Q I'm worried sick about my friend. He's always been a party animal but recently has been taking things too far. It culminated last weekend when he got drunk (as usual), but then disappeared and came back in a bad way. I think he had taken drugs as he livened up really quickly and wanted to dance all night. I didn't see him for the next few days, but he's been really broke and miserable recently when I think about it. How can I help him?
A It certainly sounds like your friend is struggling. You know what my advice is going to betalk to him. But ask the right questions. Don't be judgemental or critical, and make sure he knows that you are asking him about this because you care about him and want to help. Ask yourself a few questions first; has there been something you can identify that has caused him to behave like this, such as a loss, or stress at work? Something is making him unhappy and he's looking to escape whatever it is. He may not know himself, but giving him the opportunity to talk could help him turn things around before he gets in too deep. You must have other friends who are concerned about him.. Contact Drinkline, 0800 9178282, or Frank' - 0800 776600, for further advice and information.
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