SPRING, and a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of... well, politics, really.

There’s a General Election in a couple of weeks, don’t you know, which apparently now means that everybody goes out and votes for their favourite political party, only to find that they end up with a Government that no-one actually voted for.

Still, it all adds to the fun, doesn’t it? It would be boring if things were the same all the time, like when Michael Schumacher won everything, Manchester United won everything, and Bryan Adams with Everything I Do, I Do It For You was at the top of the charts for three years.

I do, however, have some unanswered questions about politics and the General Election, and perhaps some people out there might be able to enlighten me.

Firstly, why has no-one yet come knocking at my door asking me to vote for them? Don’t you people actually want my vote? I expect some kind of effort. I’m not talking about a Busby Berkeley dance routine and a rendition of Suwannee River, just an opportunity for me to hotly debate your policies, or at least ignore the knock on the door.

Secondly – those signs a bit like 'For Sale' hoardings which people put up outside their houses exhorting people to vote for one particular candidate or another. Why do you do this? Is it to show your support for a party, proudly declaiming: “This is a CONSERVATIVE household! Abandon hope all ye who enter!”

Or is it in the hope that undecided voters on their way to the ballot box will see a red sign saying VOTE LABOUR and either decide there and then that it has swung their vote Or perhaps that they will just vote for the last thing that stuck in their mind, like one of those Derren Brown acts where he has people dressed up as rabbits in the street then asks an audience member: “Think of an animal. It’s a rabbit, right?”

Thirdly, you people who hang around the polling stations like jittery drug addicts, brandishing clipboards and asking me who I voted for on the way out. I’m not going to tell you, all right? Just wait until the results come in like everyone else has to.

Fourthly, as much as I like print journalism, isn’t the age-old method of writing a tick in a box with a stubby pencil getting a bit, well, boring? We’re always complaining that young people don’t go out to vote any more. Maybe if it was a bit more like X-Factor they would. Put big screens in the polling booths with big buttons with Xs on them.

Or better yet, how about if every voter got to sit in a revolving chair like The Voice, and all the candidates had 30 seconds to spout their manifestos behind them. Whoever most voters turn round for wins the vote. A bit expensive and time-consuming, but a lot more fun, surely.

Finally, why don’t the party leaders stop indulging in playground back-biting and actually come up with some workable policies to improve the country.

Yeah, I know. Fantasyland.