A lonely figure sits hunched over before a glowing monitor that paints his face a sickly white, his pale digits poking from his fingerless gloves, poised over a keyboard ingrained with the crumbs of a year’s worth of lunches scoffed on the hoof.

Barnett, for it is he, is about to write his Christmas column. He realises that it is time for the annual visit of the Ghost of Christmas Columnists. Barnett cracks his knuckles and waits. Then, finally, the flame of the candle perched on top of the computer monitor wavers as though in a cold breeze, and there is the sound of...

Barnett: Hang on a minute. There should the sound of moans and the clanking of chains, and the shuffling of feet. All I can hear is the soft pad of expensive shoe leather on the carpet and the rustle of high-quality lambswool what you might use in a very expensive suit. Have you gone up in the world?

Ghost: I think perhaps you’re expecting someone else.

Barnett: Wait! Who are you, in your very nicely-cut suit and your Italian loafers, carrying your leather briefcase and something that looks like the latest upgrade to whatever expensive smartphone all the people are lusting after these days? You’re not the Ghost of Christmas Columnists.

Ghost: I point you to the monogrammed, gold-leafed lettering on my briefcase: GCC. The Ghost of Christmas Columnists. It is indeed I.

Barnett: It certainly is not. The Ghost I know is an unkempt sort, tortured by his time in limbo, with a smart mouth rather than a smartphone. You are most certainly not he.

Ghost: Well, he’s gone, all right? They’ve outsourced his job. My company put forward the most cost-effective package. We’re doing the old Ghost’s job for a quarter of the price AND we’re also doubling up with some Halloween and Easter work as well. You’ve got to move with the times. It’s progress. You can’t just carry on doing the same things the same way all the time.

Barnett: Why not, if they work?

Ghost: P-R-O-G-R-E-S-S.

Barnett: Well, while you’re here... I suppose you’ll want to go through my performance as a columnist in the past year, the complaints I’ve got, the letters of praise...

Ghost: Well, we’ve sort of streamlined the process a little bit. If I just get this form out of my briefcase... we thought it was silly doing tailored interviews. If you can just sign the bottom...

Barnett: But all it says is “Keep up the good work”.

Ghost: Be thankful you didn’t get the other form. It just says “You’re sacked.”

Barnett: And this is progress? I suppose you want me to wish all my readers a Merry Christmas?

Ghost: If you like. That’s not really in my brief. Now, got to dash – hope you enjoy the new regime. Progress, remember!

Barnett: And a Merry Christmas to you, too!